


a taste of thought

by tenxfruit



Series: nct mini fics [4]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Childhood Trauma, Depression, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Mental Health Issues, doyoung is hurt, jungwoo is precious
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-29
Updated: 2018-05-29
Packaged: 2019-05-15 04:40:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,060
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14783747
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tenxfruit/pseuds/tenxfruit
Summary: doyoung is messed up, but at least he has jungwoo.





	a taste of thought

he feels empty. cold. it hadn’t always been like this, no, it came slowly, then all at once. it started with smaller smiles, growing frustration and soft confusion. he used to see all of his friends surrounding him with bright laughs on their lips and sparkles in his eyes.

they asked him what was wrong. why are you acting like this today? they didn’t understand. he didn’t understand either. i’m tired, that’s all. doyoung replied. 

the truth is that he was hurting, he felt a deep pain in his chest. it felt like a pot of boiling water, bubbling and so hot. he wanted the feeling to go away, he didn’t want to feel so anxious. i’m normal, im fine, he assured himself.

one day, at a ripe age much too young to feel that way, he did something he never should have known of. he found comfort in the blade as if it would be the one to wipe away his sorrows.

he felt comfortable, at night, when he could do to himself what he deserved. he felt like he got some control back, like he wasn’t just a bystander in his own life. 

the safety didn’t last long, as doyoung’s life kept moving and he found himself questioning what he was doing. he knew it was wrong, but he just needed something to hold onto. 

doyoung stopped crying as often, started finding other distractions when the sun got low in the sky and the temptations arose. it wasn’t a real solution, but it worked. 

his smile started to come back, sure, but it never regained it’s old sincerity. his inner turmoil and pain was replaced with emptiness and a feeling of having a large void within his mind and heart. 

he spent every day in a trance, with the same usual day of school lulling his consciousness and silencing his mind as he sat alone in the evenings. 

doyoung learned long ago to separate his work life and home life, knowing that he would only disappoint the people around him. he didn’t deserve their kindness, so he isolated himself. 

he went to school, he finished all of his work, he returned home and helped with chores, then sat in his barren room. occasionally, his family worried that he would become depressed from all of the isolation. it made him chuckle with empty amusement, oh how ironic that is.

the cold overwhelming his body was insistent, and he suffered. he began to forget things, simple things, as if he had aged decades. he could never remember what he was thinking or saying even mere moments after he’s said them and it made him feel like he was underwater while everyone else was breathing fine. 

things got worse and so much better at the same time, as doyoung met jungwoo. the other boy had an undeniably soft beauty to him, with a voice like honey and shining eyes. jungwoo was amazing, and he looked at doyoung like no one had before. it made him smile genuinely for the first time in so long. 

he felt truly cared for, and that’s when the feelings surfaced. doyoung was so confused again, frustrated and small as if he was young again. he didn’t understand why his heart would swell so much thinking of jungwoo.

doyoung was brought back to the past in which he was so alone, betrayed and wanting nothing more than for it all to end. he was young when it started, his parents started yelling, screaming, in the house. he was only 5 years old when he dad packed his bags and went far away without another word.

he grew up with his mom as his older brother, in a house struggling on one meager income and two hungry kids. at such young ages, doyoung and his brother had to do so much to get by. their classmates didn't understand how it was, they don’t know what they were talking about, his mother said to him when doyoung was bullied at school for his lack of new clothes and flashy lunch boxes. 

one day, his mother worked so hard that she broke. it was inevitable, they all saw it coming, but that never made it any easier. she was in and out of the hospital, taking countless medications and supplements in hopes she could just get a little bit better so she could find a new job. 

the pain was chronic, they said. it would never go away. so like always, doyoung had to take care of himself. he cooked, cleaned, did his homework, looked for a job, and went to school. it was a lot, but doyoung couldn’t complain. 

he was distanced from his family; his mother spent hours in bed, his father lived too far away to care, and his brother was too engrossed in his own life to give any kindness to his little brother. 

so yeah, doyoung was a little fucked up. maybe a lot. mental illness ran strongly within his family, but they seldom talked about it, hoping that if they ignore it, it would go away. doyoung doesn’t need to see a doctor, he’s just a little sad.

this is why jungwoo was so welcomed when he came into doyoung’s life. he was a breath of fresh air after a life of pollution, the first splash of cold water on a summer day. doyoung felt like he could stand with two feet on the ground and think clearly again. 

doyoung was quiet but became less isolated. he was shy after years of loneliness, but jungwoo didn’t mind. neither did anyone else in his new friend group. 

maybe this is what it feels like to be alive. 

 

their first kiss was soft and pleasant and it left an untameable warmth going deep in his being. 

when doyoung had a bad day, jungwoo was there to wrap his arms around his waist and give him soft reassurances, “it’s okay, doyoungie. i’m here. i’ll always be here for you.” 

jungwoo understood when he couldn’t get out of bed some days, he knew that things would never be completely fixed, but he was willing to be there.  
he loved doyoung. 

they were there for each other, they laughed together, spent intimate moments together and cried together. jungwoo kissed his scars and held him together. 

life was okay again.


End file.
